Another Bad Dream

今日はまた、悪い夢を見てしまいました。

私は若い黒人の女性でした。
黒人の彼氏も連れて、友達とカラオケに行って盛り上がり

でも・・
トイレに行ったら、知らずに彼氏も後ろついてきて
ロームに入ったら私を殴り始めた。
顔に、お腹に、背中、足。
強く強く、私を殴った。
そして私は無力で何もできなかった。

彼が出た後に、私もカラオケの部屋へ帰ったけど、誰も私のはれた、泣きぬれた顔を気付くことはしなかった。我慢できなくてまたトイレで隠して
誰かの足音を聞いた。怖くて怖くて小さくなったけど、
入ってきたのは、幼馴染の男の子。
「どうしたの？？」って
開放的で、私は全部話しながら泣いて泣いて苦しくなって


その瞬間に目が覚めた。
息苦しくて,　ハット息を呑もうとしているところでした。
そしてホッペに涙が。

あんなにリアルな体験で
自分も驚きました。
愛している人にぶっ飛ばされる気持ち、
パンチよりも辛かった気がします。

Trust and Betrayal

この世には
自分の全てをあげるぐらい
心から信用できる人というのはいるでしょう。

何があっても
絶対に裏切ったりしないと知っている。

何があっても
絶対に失望させないと知っている。

何があっても
悲しませたりはしないと知っている。

その人がいると昔は思っていました。
でももう子供ではない。

私たち人間は結局
この世に一人です。
みんながいながら
みんなが一人ぼっちです。

結局
頼れる人というのは、
自分自身しかいない。

気分悪いから話したくない

世界が自分を中心にして回る。
でも君もこの世界に入れてあげようか。

こんな愛じゃ要らない

Unforgotten, Unforgiven

彼氏に言われた、忘れられないことがあります。

それは今年のお正月の頃に。
彼が少し酔っ払って一緒にのシャワーから降りた場面。

「君の嫌いなところ言おうかな。いや、言わない方がいいよね。けどやっぱこれだけ言うよ：君の嫌なところは中身じゃない」

ですと。
外見にしか頼りにしない、浅い人。それは私の頭の中に浮かぶ印象。
許せない。
こんな彼氏のはずじゃなかったのに。

人生に大事な事

何が大事か　　何が必要か

私たち人間のこの人生の中で
その答えを求めて生きてゆく。

私はけっしてそれを理解したというわけではない。
でも今この私には支えてくれることはある。
それは・・・
人に思う気持ち。
そして、人に思われる気持ち。

それだけで充分。それだけが大事。

Perfectly Wrong

There is no perfect person in this world.

Yet, there are enough who think to be.

My boyfriend loves to stress how he always tries to improve himself. He calls it "polishing".
For me, trying to improve oneself is trying to be a better person, trying to understand someone else's feelings or giving your best at whatever work you're doing.
For him though, it means mainly to care about your appearance. What style somebody represents, what kind of accessory you wear or how much you weight. Everytime he sees my unbelieving look, he likes to add things like accept challenges, but in the end, I know he doesn't mean it.

I don't think I have a bad style. I mean, I do not walk around messy. I wear earpiercings, have a tattoo, sometimes only light make-up. And I'm feeling fine the way I am.
My boyfriend though tells me on every occasion to "polish" myself.
I'm so tried of it that I, even if I just hear the sound of that word, start crying. What does he want? Making me into one of this japanese little girls who adapt everything their boyfriends tell them? He once told me, that the day we met, he thought my outfit was horrible, but since I had potential, he started dating me; believing, that I'd change.
So the me just the way I am is not enough huh.
I guess the moment I heard these words, something in me just started to hate him.

I'm tired to have to explain myself to my boyfriend for being who I am.
He thinks he understands me. But he does not. No matter how hard I try to explain.

Can there really be such a hollow person? And why did I fall in love with him?
I really wish I didn't...

氷になりたい

心・・・・
痛い

心なんてなければ良かったのに


大丈夫だと言ってほしい
なにがあっても追い出されないと言って

Ｃｒｕｅｌ Ｉｎｔｅｎｔｉｏｎｓ

私、裏切られたかな。

愛している人に愛されたい。
そして愛されていると思った。

でも・・・
その人が企ていた、出会ってからずっと。

私を自分の理想の様に変わろうとしていた。
そして私が盲目、何も気付かなかった。

でも何もなかったふりをしないで。
私を変わろうとしないで。

私のことが大好きと言っているのに、
ずっと一緒にいたいと言っているのに、
なんで勝手すぎなものを求めているの？
なんで私を泣かせるの？

私が私であるために愛してくれないかな。

うん。
君に裏切られた。
そして自分を裏切った。
最大に。

20 years

a fickle age, changing from one experience, one opinion to the next. not yet seriously thinking about the future. falling madly in love at first sight, playing hide and seek with emotions. and things pop out of the mind as fast as they hop in.
At twenty, you're allowed, you're supposed to play around with the games of love. Worries will there be waiting enough in the future, so don't bother them now.

Is this reason enough for our unreasonable doing?
Or is it a plain but welcome excuse to justify what I can't justify otherwise?

久しぶりの気持ち

I feel attracted by a guy these days. It's been some time since I last did. And ironically, it's about the same situation... I meet him unexpectedly, we spend some cool time together and then he disappears again.
I must say it really did good. Talking, laughing, making stupid things with him. I realised I really missed that. Well, I have my friends to hang out with and they're all great, no question, but still... the butterflies feel good, don't they?

Anyway, he is gone again. And by the time I got over the fact that he can't be mine, I'll be happy to have encountered him. And cherish him as a memory I wouldn't want to miss for all the fortune in the world.

The Area of Wimps and Crybabies

Why on earth is it that men don't behave like men?
Why do they mistake girlfriends as mother-replacements?

Just to illustrate:
I was walking along a way with a guy. Suddenly a snake appears, crossing the street. For the record: I've never seen a real snake in nature before. The guy was 6 years older than me.
Anyway, I was like "eek, look at that!" And the guy? He screamed, jumped backwards and hid behind me ¬.¬ And the next day he's showing off telling me he'd do workout everyday... Aha

So, what I wanna know now:
What happened to the Stone Age hunting and protecting instinct all u guys are so proud of?
Why is it that I get phoned up in the middle of the night at least twice a week and have to listen to an adult man crying because his girlfriend was mean?
Why is a man hiding behind my back because a snake is crossing the street?
Why do I have to kill the spider?
Why do they always always ask for my permission or opinion on totally unimportant stuff whereas they actually could just show some determination?
Why are there more persons starring into the mirror and styling themselves in the men's toilet than there are in the women's?
Why do we have to pause every second hour 'cause HE has to pee?
WHY do men, straight men, carry around handbags and wear pink shirts??

Guys
I can't take this serious anymore.
You're on the verge of transforming into pitiful little wimps.
Go Get Emancipated!!

...Tsk

Make A-Way

Key of Life?

There may be no answer at all
We are all just here
doing what we can

Shining Return

Easter Friday

The day Jesus got nailed to the cross
Why?
Because his father purposely sent him into sacrifice
He was born to die

I wonder whether Jesus really wanted to be God's son
Did he really die loving him
Or did he deep in his heart curse the man
who caused him so much pain?

Fear the one you Love

I'm afraid of him.
And I'm afraid of myself.

What I fear deep inside my heart is that
if he finds out
he will leave me.
If my inner most thoughts should be revealed to him
it will chase him away.
Since I am afraid of them myself.
A beautiful bird shouldn't be caged

That's why I hold back.
And wait for the bit attention he grants me from time to time.
Still
I'm so frightened of him to hurt me
even more than he already does

Stones In The Way

Obligations here - Obligations there

In this world, you can't escape the bureaucracy this system is drowning you in as soon as you try to open your wings. Instead of creativity and independent thinking, what will be waiting for your concerns is an huge pile of documents one more pointless than the other.
But that's the game. To become a free mind, you first have to pass the maze of regulations. And don't let yourself be deceived; somewhere there always is a document left that you haven't laid an eye on yet. Since the light at the end of the tunnel could also be the one of an arriving train.

Illuminate

If you give up on mankind
You give up on yourself

In order to spend a happy, fulfilled life
we can't help but hold on onto the dim light
inside of every single one of us

Believe in the strength
of your own's
and of mankind's

Since even the dimmest light grants brightness

The most important thing

How come that so many people don't treat love as the utmost gift we could ever wish for? Is it because they have their eyes closed? And is this why they first have to fall to the ground to discover the most important thing in this world?

Proving Myself

I'm gonna prove that this me
just the way I am right now
is able to stand alone
and pursue my dreams

This fall, I'm going to Tokyo for a year
And I'm gonna show
that no matter if I am clumsy, naive, easily getting lost
or what other weaknesses I may possess
I'm still able to stand up and do it right

In just the way I like it!

Mountain Air...

...clears your mind and soul
Standing here
makes you see once again how small and fragile you actually are
Such realizations are needed from time to time